Gedanken und andere Einbildungen

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

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The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians... The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.' The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, evenmore attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone.' The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the
eye and says, 'Listen very carefully you dumb a$$. For the last time

. . .BRING THE POSSEEEE.'
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A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50.
Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know. Why don't you play your age?" Then he walked away.
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned.
He asks, "What happened? Is she alright?"
The roulette wheel operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, she just fainted!"

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A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having had a great roll in the sack, she spent the next hour just scratching his manhood-sac-- something she seemed to love to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

Government Job Interview
 
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
 
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
 
 He replies, "Yes, caffeine." "Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
 
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
 
 The guy says, "Yes.  A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points  for me to hire you right now.  Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to     4:00 P.M.  You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at  10:00 A.M. every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?""This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that." 

Ein Mann geht durch das Rotlichtviertel einer Großstadt.
In einem "Schaufenster" sieht er auch die "Dame" die Ihm gefallen könnte.
Er klopft an die Scheibe und fragt:
"Wie teuer?"
Die Antwort:
"450,- Euro!"
Der Mann erstaunt:
"Das ist aber teuer!"
Sie:
"Ist ja auch Thermoglas..."

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize; a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.
Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

Drei Jungs streiten, wessen Mutter den größten Mund hat.
Der erste Bub: "Meine Mutter kann ein ganzes Brötchen auf einmal in den Mund stecken!"
Der zweite Bub: "Meine steckt sich eine Salzstange quer in den Mund!"
Der Dritte: "Das ist doch alles nichts, ich hab gestern an der Schlafzimmertür gelauscht und habe gehört, wie mein Vater gesagt hat: 'Stell den Fernseher laut und nimm ihn in den Mund'."