Gedanken und andere Einbildungen

Ein Anruf mitten in der Nacht beim Arzt:
"Herr Doktor, kommen sie schnell, unsere Tochter hat ein Kondom verschluckt!"
Der Arzt beeilt sich, in die Klamotten zu kommen. Gerade als er sein Haus verlassen will, klingelt das Telefon noch mal. Es ist wieder die Frau und sie sagt:
"Herr Doktor, es ist alles in Ordnung, mein Mann hat noch eines gefunden..."

Eine alte 75-jährige Witwe möchte gerne einen neuen Freund und inseriert in der Zeitung: "75-jaehrige Frau sucht Mann von ungefähr gleichem Alter, darf mich nicht schlagen, nicht fremdgehen und muss gut im Bett sein."
Einige Tage später klingelt es an der Haustür. Als die Frau die Haustuer öffnet sieht sie einen grauen alten Mann ohne Arme und Beine in einem Rollstuhl sitzen. Sie schaut ihn sich an und sagt: "Du denkst doch nicht, dass ich überhaupt etwas mit dir anfangen kann, du hast ja noch nicht einmal Arme".
Darauf antwortet der Mann: "Dann kann ich dich auch nicht schlagen!".
"Ja, aber du hast ja auch keine Beine", sagt die alte Frau. Der Mann antwortet: "Dann kann ich auch nicht fremdgehen!".
Die Frau weiß sich hierauf keinen Rat und fragt: "Und? Im Bett? Funktioniert denn da noch alles?????. Darauf antwortet der alte Mann: "Ich habe doch geklingelt, oder!?"

In einem Museum in Kairo war "Der Schädel der Kleopatra" ausgestellt.
Daneben sah man einen kleineren Schädel ohne Aufschrift.
Ein Fremder erkundigt sich beim Führer:
"Und wem gehörte dieser hier daneben?"
"Auch Kleopatra, nur stammt er aus der Zeit, als sie noch ein Kind war."


Auf dem Standesamt brauchte eine Witwe Papiere. Ihren Namen hatte sie bereits angegeben.
Der Beamte stellt noch eine Frage: "Wann ist denn ihr Mann gestorben?" - "Vor acht Jahren!" -
Haben sie Kinder?" - "Ja, eines vier Jahre, eines zwei Jahre und das letzte acht Monate!"
Der Beamte erhob etwas erstaunt den Kopf und fragte: "Ihr Mann, sagten sie, ist aber schon acht Jahre tot!?"
Darauf antwortet sie: "Ja, er schon - aber ich nicht!"


Kruses verbringen die Ferien auf dem Bauernhof.
Eines Nachts erwacht Kruse, zieht die Schuhe an und geht raus.
Nach einer Weile kommt er mit nassen Schuhen wieder.
"Regnet es draußen?" fragt seine Frau.
"Nein", meint Kruse, "aber es ist furchtbar windig."

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 50th birthday and she was a
bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised
in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through
the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender
Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in
the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick
wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she
felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled
bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a
call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo
sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel
room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in
town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want
it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -
tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and
everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for
an outside line."

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think were thickos from Ireland and try to rip us off. I'll put on my best English accent.

Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners".

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

-----------------------------

The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians... The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.' The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, evenmore attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone.' The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the
eye and says, 'Listen very carefully you dumb a$$. For the last time

. . .BRING THE POSSEEEE.'
-------------------
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50.
Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know. Why don't you play your age?" Then he walked away.
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned.
He asks, "What happened? Is she alright?"
The roulette wheel operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, she just fainted!"

-------------------------

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having had a great roll in the sack, she spent the next hour just scratching his manhood-sac-- something she seemed to love to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'